This is satire. All “news” is as fake as what Infowars posts. Any resemblance to public figures is intentional; for any others it’s coincidental.

Breaking News: Based on reports from Infowars, Donald J. Trump has identified the 400-pound guy who actually  hacked the DNC. 

Trump tweeted,

“It’s Abdul Muhammad Garcia [fake name to protect his identity], an illegal Mexican immigrant who also happens to be Muslim.”

“See, I told you those Mexicans are criminals. This one’s an Islamic terrorist too. Those CIA goofs kept saying it was the Russians–HAH. We’ll waterboard him first and then deport him!”

John Bolton has confirmed that this was a “false flag” operation originally concocted by neighbors of Trump’s Turnberry golf resort. They were angry at him for destroying their view. They hoped to blame Trump’s Russian cronies and cause him to lose the election due to his treasonous activities. As Kellyanne Conway said recently, the idea of Russians hacking the DNC and causing Hillary Clinton to lose the election is “laughable and ridiculous.” Mike Pompeo, Trump’s CIA nominee is reportedly not laughing, but that’s not been confirmed.

Speaking of Infowars, Alex Jones has denied reports he is soon going to become Alexa Jones.

“I’m making a fresh start. My name will be Alicia, not Alexa!” says Jones.

WhiteBark, Steve Bannon’s site formerly known as Breitbart to some or “Darkf**t to opponents, is saying that Trump is definitely planning a Two-China policy.

One from column A and one from column B for the diplomatic lunch special. Hah, got you with the joke, eh. No, actually he will be hard on the People’s Republic of China. Although they supposedly should be helpful dealing with North Korea, they have not been doing a great job in recent years. So he’s going to enlist his Labor Secretary Andy Puzder to send those bikini-clad models from his Carl’s, Jr. ads with a weekly supply of multidecker burgers with supersize fries to Kim Jong Un. Kim has been trying valiantly to gain the rotundity of his grandfather. With Trump and Puzder’s help he may soon get there. Then, no more worries about nukes–just don’t stand behind the North Korean leader after a meal.

Meanwhile, sources within the Trump transition team are saying that he has a major climate initiative planned his first year in office. He will task Homeland Security chief, Retired Marine General Kelly and Commerce Secretary Wilbur Ross to work together on a NOAA project to stop El Nino and La Nina from affecting U.S. weather. Trump reportedly told them,

“With names like that, they must be Mexicans. No more illegal weather immigration into America. Let’s Make America’s Weather Great Again!”

No word yet on how tall a wall will be needed to keep these illegals out. Kelly and Ross will have to figure that out.