Rex Tillerson has explained to disaffected State Department employees that his apparent first name is actually a title—the Latin term meaning King. That’s why, when they encounter him anywhere at the State Department, they must look down or away and never upon his countenance. They should speak only if spoken to. He has agreed to so-called President Trump’s demand to never wear a crown. Only Trump himself is permitted to do that–when Melania says so during role-playing games.
Devin Numbnuts has announced that he will step down from the House Intelligence Committee. He feels unappreciated by his boss, Donald Trump. His future ambition is to play the Goofy character at Disneyland. No word on whether Disney has an interest in hiring him.
Michael “Out Like” Flynn, has a story to tell about life at the White House. His proffer to investigators to grant him immunity from prosecution includes his observation of an undocumented housekeeper removing soiled rubber sheets from the President’s bedroom.
So-called President Trump has confirmed that one of daughter Ivanka’s major responsibilities in the West Wing will be to assist her father in locating his butt. It seems that he can’t find it with both hands.
People are saying that VP Mike Pence frequently expresses regrets at having accepted the role of being Trump’s second fiddle. Here’s what one source overheard at the VP Naval Observatory residence.
“Nobody knew how uncomplicated Trump’s mind is. I thought it was an act for the base. It’s not—that’s how clueless he really is. I’ll go down in history as the idiot-in-waiting. There’s probably not much chance he’ll take me up on my offer—resign now before all the testimony and investigations are concluded and I’ll promise to pardon you. He thinks too highly of himself—he’s too deluded, to do that.”
Roger Stone has revealed that he grew up in an adopted family that practiced infant head binding. Many had thought that a prefrontal lobotomy was the reason for his sloping forehead or surmised that he might have more Neanderthal DNA than most modern humans. Not so, according to Stone. Just watch out for the club he keeps at his man cave.
Melania says she and Barron may just stay in New York. She’s had enough of political life, such as it is. No word on the future of the marriage.
Sources say, Vladimir Putin will give Trump the same Order of Friendship award Putin gave to Tillerson. If Trump makes it all the way through a full 4-year term, Putin will add a gold-cluster and forgive $500 million of Trump’s outstanding loans at Russian-owned banks. That will leave Trump on the hook for only $2 billion.
News flash: There are actually FIVE people in the Trump administration who have never met with Ambassador Sergey Kislyak, have no connection to Russian intelligence, owe no money to Russian banks and haven’t traveled to Moscow (in the last 5 years). Of the five, only three express a special affection for Trump BFF Vlad.
This IS the April Fools Day edition of Views from Eagle Peak–Your Source for Really Fake News.