This is satire. All “news” on THIS post is FAKE unless indicated otherwise. OK, there is a shred of truth to some–I’m sure you’ll figure out which is which won’t you? Any resemblance to public figures is intentional; for all others it’s coincidental.
It’s mostly about Trump, his associates and allies. But isn’t mocking people’s names a little juvenile, you ask? Well sure it is, but that’s for verisimilitude. Trump may be 70, chronologically, but he has an emotional maturity of a 13 to 15-year-old.
It’s difficult to successfully satirize Trump. How would you mock the Three Stooges? Trump is not only funny, he’s dangerous. But since the media and many politicians not only take him seriously but are actively trying to normalize him after all the stuff he’s said and done, mockery is what’s left for me to do. So here’s the New Year’s Eve edition of Really Fake News.
Kellyanne Corncob, every surrogate and the entire Trump team continues to reject the notion that the Russians hacked the DNC. Even if they did, she says, Obama’s sanctions against the Russians are politically motivated to “box him [Trump] in.” Trump himself asks if the US knew the Russians did it, why didn’t the Obama administration impose the sanctions long ago? Trump et al, say it’s all to delegitimize his election. [Really? Nothing to do with national security?] Obama reportedly says, behind closed doors, that he doesn’t need to delegitimize Trump’s win–Trump’s been doing a fine job of that all by himself.
More breaking news on the Russian Front (Putin and Trump, that is). An anonymous source linked this NSA intercept of a recent call between Trump and Putin.
“Hey, Vlad baby, thanks for that smart move with the sanctions. That will make it easier for me to remove them after I’m in the White House–soon to be the Trump House, hahaha.”
“Donny, don’t worry about the sanctions Obama imposed. We can handle them for awhile. Wait a few months before you remove them all–and the other ones about Crimea and the Ukraine. If you act too quickly, you’ll have trouble with Congress.”
“Are you sure you can stand them, Vlad?”
“Absolutely, Donny boy. Just remember, we’re always here for you. If you do get in trouble–like being impeached for conflicts of interest with all your business dealings, you can move to Russia. We treat our oligarchs very, very well here. You can make as much money as you want without annoying laws and regulations hemming you in. You could finally become a billionaire for real!”
“How about a reality TV show on RT?
“Sure, no problem. But you’ll want more than that won’t you? Resorts, casinos, golf courses and more–right? Just get rid of those sanctions in a few months. ”
“Right. OK, but if I’m going to dump those sanctions, I’ll need approval for several projects up front. Donald Jr., will be in touch about them.”
“Sure, we can do that. But be careful about calls like this. We can’t help you if you go too far and get charged with treason!”
“Hey, I’ll be President. No conflicts. I can do whatever I want. Say, you really didn’t do that hacking did you?”
“No, of course not! You trust Infofarce, the National Enquirer, WhiteBark and Sean Insanity don’t you?”
“Oh sure. That’s why I don’t bother with those stupid PDBs. I’m smarter than those intelligence agencies!”
Turns out Israel’s proof that the Obama administration orchestrated the UN Security Council Resolution condemning Israeli settlements comes from Trump associates. This according to hacked emails recently released from WackyLeaks. The emails are between David Friedman (President-Elect Trump’s nominee for Ambassador to Israel), Alicia (formerly Alex) Jones and Roger Stone. The emails show that the three conspired to frame Obama, John Kerry and Samantha Powers to embarrass them and kill the “two-state solution.” Trump, Friedman and Israeli leaders are turning cartwheels at the thought of building still more settlements. Israel’s reflexive response by Netanyahoo on down, castigating Obama, came exactly as expected.
Breaking News from WhiteBark (formerly known as Breitbart), courtesy of Sean Spicer. The Trump Inaugural Committee has changed its mind about accepting the offer of Russian punk group Pussy Riot to perform their hit video, [NOTE: this video is NOT safe for work] “Make America Great Again,” at inaugural events.
“Well, we heard Trump was having trouble getting A-listers to perform, so we figured he must be desperate by now,” according to a spokesperson for the group.
After viewing the performance on a smartphone in the Trump Grill, a shocked committee member fell over in a dead faint into a plate of so-so food. Too bad the tweet from Trump’s BFF Vlad, “Nyet, nyet!” arrived too late to save the committee member from embarrassment.
In other inaugural News: The Committee confirmed that Ted Nugent will replace 16-year-old Jackie Evancho in singing the national anthem. Evancho had to cancel for unspecified reasons. Nugent’s version might best be called the Star Strangled Banner. [Caution: He’ll be strapped, so NO booing].
News from Communications Director/Press Secretary Sean Spicer: Tweets from Trump will continue throughout his presidency–[for however long it lasts]. News media are encouraged to follow @unrealDonaldTrump as he plans to have news conferences only annually. Whenever he has insults, boasts or policy announcements (foreign or domestic), that’s where to find them, according to “Hot Stuff” Spicer. “Hot Stuff” and others in the Trump
organization transition team administration will continue to provide interpretation, translation or explanation of what they think Trump actually means by the tweets. No one can be sure, of course.
“All the better to be unpredictable,” Trump says in his own words. “Eff ’em if they can’t take a joke.”
Recent tweets from Donald Trump’s twitter account [@unrealDonaldTrump]
Sunshine today across Florida. We’re at Mar-a- Lago. Looks great for picnics, walks and more. Thanks for the fine weather Donald!
Rain today at Mar-a-Lago. Obama’s trying to ruin my New Year’s celebration. Sun will shine on me everywhere from January 21st!
Insulting media rumors are TOTALLY UNTRUE. Melania NEVER calls me Beavis. She’ll be giving a news conference soon denying media lies.
Anonymous post on Facebook backs up the Beavis rumor. What started as another review of the Trump Grill in Trump Tower wound up including parts of an overheard conversation between Melania and Kellyanne Corncob,
“Beavis keeps jumping ahead of Barron when they’re playing Nintendo or PlayStation—whatever that stupid game thing is. He’s supposed to wait his turn but he gets so impatient. Just like becoming President. He wants to be in charge right now.”
“Oh, you shouldn’t call your husband “Beavis,” Melania.”
“Why? He acts just like Beavis; getting all excited when he hears the names for women’s body parts! Especially when he’s with Bannon and they see someone young and pretty.”
“Oh, I don’t believe that! I never hear anything like that when I’m around.”
“Uh, well . . . Anyway, the two of them even look like Beavis and Butthead, especially Donald.”
Carl Paladino insists that his name is Paladino and NOT Palamino.
This despite making comments about Barack and Michelle Obama that lend credence to the notion that he is at least a horse’s ass. Note: the paragraph that follows and the block quote below are actual news–NOT fake news.
Trump’s former New York campaign co-chair hoped that Barack would “die of mad cow disease” and “Michelle would turn back into a male and go live in a cave in Africa.” In a statement reported by the Albany Times Union, Paladino [AKA Palamino] said,
“It has nothing to do with race. That’s the typical stance of the press when they can’t otherwise defend the acts of the person being attacked.”
Meanwhile, Alicia Jones (of Infofarce.com) and Rush (AKA The Cheesy Chub) Limberger are reportedly fighting over who will get to have a midnight tryst with the Buffalo horseman. Perhaps they can find a secluded barn for the three of them.